18 Months

Sweet boy, I love you. I really love you but you exhaust me. I did not know I could go through so many emotions in a single day. I love going to get you in the morning. You are ridiculously excited to be awake. I wish I could channel some of that excitement when I wake up in the morning. I love watching you discover new things. You have a sense of wonder about everything. The littlest things make you so happy!

You are officially 18 months now and you are full of energy and temper tantrums. You love yelling NO and MINE. This is a new thing for you. You even hit me the other day and screamed NO at the top of your lungs because I took away the remote from you. I am not enjoying this temperamental side of you. When you don't get your way you throw yourself on the floor, kick and scream. This is oh so fun when we are out in public. I know I need to tell you no more often but I honestly don't have the energy to deal with it. When I do tell you no, you hide your face with your hands or you do the saddest boo lip that I have ever seen. It breaks my heart but you need to know I will not put up with you throwing food and getting so man when you don't get your way. Other times you are not affected by the word no. You look at me, saying No No and keep doing what you should not be doing. It is infuriating.

You are not a fan of naps and this is trying. You are exhausted. I have been trying to hold you off until 11:30 or 12 but you often ask to go night night around 9 a.m. Sometimes I have to put you in your crib because you are so emotional and wiped out. You sleep but this makes for a VERY long afternoon after you wake up. You keep me guessing everyday. At your 18 month check up your doctor said you are so smart! She also said you are very stubborn and strong willed.

As much as I love you, I need to get things done and sometimes be away from the house. I feel incredibly guilty about this. Your doctor, my doctor and other people have told me I need to put you in child care for at least one day a week. You have major separation anxiety when it comes to me. It is awful. You are not around other kids all that often and you need to be. Yes, you are around your brothers but you need to be around other children so you can learn to interact and play with others. I can't be your entire world and this is a hard realization. It makes me feel like a failure. I am a stay at home mom. This is my job. I should be able to handle it. My therapist (yes Mommy still goes to see a therapist when Nana is kind enough to watch you!) tells me to let go of the Mommy guilt-or at least try to. It will always be there. She told me if I take care of myself and let you interact with other kids, it will be better for everyone. It is not that I don't love you or that I don't love being home with you. I do. I adore you and I love our time together, but I am feeling a little lost. I get nothing done and the house is a constant mess. I have no time to do anything I would like to do. Granted, I should have known this before I became a mother. I did have some idea that it would take over my life, but maybe if you slept a little more Mommy could get a little bit of herself back :)  Or maybe just a shower. A shower where you are not climbing on to my counter finding every possible sharp object that I thought I had hidden.

You are the true definition of a boy. You are obsessed with tractors and "cop-tees" (helicopters) these past two weeks. I love that you are putting words together. These past few days you started answering "yeah" to questions. It makes us laugh! You also say Oh Cool! You are learning more and more every day!

You just woke up screaming. You are gnawing on your fingers so I wonder if your teeth hurt. Daddy thinks you get night terrors because you often scream in your sleep. I rocked you until you were calm and for the first time ever (that I have heard) you started to snore. It was the cutest little thing I think I have ever heard! Of course as soon as I put you back in your crib you screamed. I hate that :( Please sleep all night!